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Not having a thigh gap has saved my girls' phones from falling into the toilet. 
Have you ever woken up from a nightmare, looked around you, and then wished that you were back in the nightmare?
Scientists officially confirm the discovery of Element 115. Great, now I'm going to have to get my Periodic Table tattoo redone.
Maybe we should just call her ''Horny Montana''
Jealous people are God's way of reminding us that we are awesome enough to be envied.
According to my poop, I need to start chewing my corn better.
Liverpool top of the league. Russia and US on a war footing. New Paul McCartney single. What is this, 1989?
“After five guys I feel like a bad person,” doesn’t sound right even though I’m referring to a cheeseburger with fries.
Fellas......if she wears bracelettes she's most likely in to handcuffs too. Run like hell.
Dear summer, Go home... You're drunk
If girls didn't need guys there wouldn't be a 'man' in woman.
Behind every fat man, there is a woman. Frying and stuff.
£800 pound for a coffin lid? Over my dead body
Hey, Apple: Don't waste my time with this iPhone 5S unless it's learned that nobody's ever typing "ducking he'll."
In my opinion, my opinion is so much better than your opinion!
In other news, Weiner is shriveling in the NY City mayoral race
Autocorrect just changed "what are your plans" to "plants". Yes autocorrect, I'm curious if they're growing roses or tulips
Dear, Android. Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones... You piece of Shut.
Boy, they don't like when you go up for seconds at church.
How women see word problems If Dan buys 6 pears, 4 apples & 5 oranges. How many women did that son of a b itch check out while he was there? 