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Although I can't control time, I will always manipulate it. 
Penny for your thoughts...five bucks if they're dirty..
The heavier the girl, the more pics of really buff guys go up on her timeline.
Ladies; The only way I am taking you on a $500 date is if you bring $475 along with you.
"Yes, officer, I know I was speeding, but in my defense, I ALWAYS held down the B button while playing Super Mario Brothers".
Okay whoever has a voodoo doll of me and making me write this sentimental and inspirational sh*t, stop it now!
I'll start spending more time with my Nana when she gets her prescriptions filled.
Counting to ten when you are angry works so much better when you are counting punches to someone's face.
Men are jealous competitive creatures. For example, “He probably has a small d*ck” is how men say “I wish I had a car like that.”
I'd tell you to kiss my @ss but you'd probably fall in love with it and stalk me.
You compliment me...I'll complicate you.
If you've deactivated facebook, and someone tells you happy Birthday .. Marry that person
How has someone not done a full body tattoo that is a maze?
The best time to tell your girlfriend you've been sleeping with her best friend is when she starts saying things like "not tonight, I have got a headache"
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon. I think I'm going to be pretty good at it!
Nothing's a bigger turn off than a chick who pretends to be a sports fan. You either are or you aren't. Leave it be.
If being bad is wrong then I'll never be right... guess my guidance councilor did know what she was talking about after all.
Ben Affleck to play Batman in the new movie. Which can only mean one thing… Matt Damon as Robin.
I want to make sure I got this straight. Ben Affleck as Batman would make Batman unbelievable?
My boss said "Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have." Right now I am getting called on the carpet in my Batman costume. 