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I wonder how people used to receive their blessings before Facebook was invented for them to type AMEN and I RECEIVE 
I don't know about these Capital One commercials with Samuel L. Jackson. There's something about an angry bl@k m@n asking "What's in your wallet?" that scares me.
"Best thing about prison, man, was crochet. I loved crochet" -- Man overheard on bus
Carl Grimes could be the new mascot for the Oakland Raiders
We are the granddaughters of the witches you weren't able to burn.
This treadmill has no room for my milkshake or my pizza .. Lame design
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS: 1) Know when to hold em... 2) Know when to fold em... 3) Know when to walk away... 4) Know when to run.
Has anyone else noticed that the sign "&" looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor?
What?!?! When you miss someone's call but you call them back in 0.44735624 seconds and they don't answer.
Guns don't kill people, Dads with pretty daughters kill people.
96% of online doctors on websites say your good grammar is essential so they can properly diagnose your medical problem.
That moment when you realize you might have made a mistake letting your 5 year old watch The Walking Dead....
Fact: The universe is made up of protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.
So it's Hump Day and it isn't raining or snowing, does that mean it's a Dry Hump Day?
Yesterday I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She cried and then she hugged me. FML.
Jack Daniels gives you the courage to talk to attractive women, disables your genitals.
An estimated 26.2 percent of Americans suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder. This figure translates to 57.7 million people. When they count Hillary's votes and they total 57.7 million don't say that I didn't call that...
Where was this Mitt Romney during the last general election? Had he been like this he would be running for re-election this time
I never want to go bungie jumping. Broken rubber brought me into this world, and I don't want to give it a chance to take me out.
You don't know what you have until it's gone. For example, toilet paper. 