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Good cop: Where's the money? Blind cop: *Tries to pound fist on table but misses.... WHERE IS EVERYTHING??? 
Just applied for a job, fingers crossed I will be able to quit my current position of living room curator, tv remote control specialist.
Don't worry Ted, if the whole Presidency thing doesn't work for you perhaps you should try to become the Prime Minister of Canada.
I wanted to touch you, taste your sweetness with soft aromas beckoning me - it was just the beginning of our tragic love story. *pastries
(Infomercial for toilets) *a man is walking around his house picking up turds... "There's got to be a better way??"
Grindr had a worldwide outage this weekend, is it too late to stock up on apocalypse survival supplies?
If there's a woman out there who wants to $exually harass me, let me know.. I will message you my cell # . . .
I have to be successful because I have very expensive taste.
i am taking the pit bull and the points in the puppy bowl
Old man Bernie Sanders looks like that guy down the block driving around luring kids in with promises of free candy...
You ever in the mood to get hit by a car and spend 1 month in the hospital.
I don't have a FitBit but every now and then I throw a $h!t-Fit.
Monday mornings: I am learning to trust the journey, wait a sec...where is my freaking coffee?!?!
It was the home of Buffalo Bill in "The Silence Of The Lambs." Now, nobody wants to live there. Heck, I wonder why....
Google: You must be truly desperate to come to me for help.
Bears: If people can read my thoughts, most people would think I'm the most evil person on this planet.
Drink until the bottle is emptier than you.
Do country music artists know about better music?
Loves the Alerts app on my phone, it says: "OVER BUDGET....This month you spent $1,049.00 on Alcohol & Bars. This exceeds your budget of $20.00 by $1,029.00".
Sesame Street: Say, Ernie, would you like some ice cream? Sherbert. 