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I'll think I'll bring my taser to work today to liven things up a bit. 
it's time to diet now. Even the shoelaces are getting to small.
Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your cell phone without asking first.
Got a new video card to play Minecraft still doesn't look any different...
"As a matter of fact, pepsi IS okay"... *whole restaurant gasps... *rookie busboy vomits
If you have a mustache always keep it neat, I don't want to see anything hanging over your lips
Popeye teaches you that spinach makes you stonger while completely skipping over the part about pooing your pants at work.
Ladies, a piece of advice. If your boyfriend or husband gives you a facial/spa treatment as a gift, be a little more specific. After all, it might not be a good idea to post how happy you are that he gave you "a facial".
My wife was all “Let’s try role playing” but now she’s all “Listen here, ‘Farmer Brown,’ I am not putting on a sheep costume.” SMH
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people..
At Starbucks I order under the name Dad. Then leave.
What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They both can smell it, but can't taste it.
I love when people make a photo of their kid as their Facebook profile pic so it's like a baby is screaming about gun rights.
I just saved a bunch of fu<ks by not giving any.
Before thinking about changing the world for your favour, think about your teeth first. IF you change your mind, you might change the world.
Next week Google will give the public the chance to buy its $1,500 Google Glass. Finally ending the stereotype that people who wear glasses are smart.
This post is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
I grilled today for the first time this year. The first charcoals in the grill were formerly the eyes and also the carrot nose of our stolen snowman.
Sorry I didn't hear a word you said. I was pretending your nose was the MUTE button
Cmon kid, do or say something funny already. Daddy needs a new Facebook Status Update. 