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Buy her a time machine, because women love bringing up the past. 
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
911 operator what's your emergency" "Are ya'll hiring?"
forget Mardi Gras....for me every Tuesday is a fat Tuesday
The way you're bashing your laptop keyboard is how your life is going.
Kanye West they should have vacuum sealed you, you would have lasted longer
X says Well, it's easy to tell I'm single. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my facebook status...
It pays to network: today, take time to call up every one of your business associates and just tell them that you love them.
There's a band called 1023MB, They haven't had any gigs yet!
The hardest part about making friends is definitely the swimsuit competition.
Ever like someone so much that you just want to chew on their hiney?
It's kinda embarrassing that Nostradamus predicted we’d only have 5 Doritos flavors by 2014.. When we actually have like 15
My life's not always.. 'Fun and games' Sometimes it's too much whiskey annnd... Oops.. Wrong hole!
Listen, if I wanted to compromise I'd just tell you how it's gonna be.
Paper-cuts are like kisses from Satan
Pro tip - I'm not convinced any of you are qualified to give pro tips.
Every stamp is a food stamp if you eat stamps.
why would you argue with a feminist? what would be wrong with you? they hate you because you have a pen*s. not some douchey thing you did.
Being married means you never hav--- WOULD YOU QUIT CHEWING SO GODDAMN LOUD?
It's hard to be your prince charming when you'd rather just fool around with all 12 of the dwarves. 