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Was at the vet's office with Sammy, heard a lady in the waiting room sneezing, she then tells the receptionist that she thinks there was a cat in here. I saw the lights dim a little. 
I bet it was hard for Andre the Giant's little brother, Wayne the Somewhat Beefy in the Legs but Still Generally Average Sized Person.
If my walls could talk, they'd probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
I don’t like morning people or mornings or people
If they're the champions why will they keep on fightin' 'til the end? They've been named champions. Was it just the conference championship?
"Yes your child is cute, but can he take a 'Whoopin'?" -Adrian Peterson
I have bad luck with women. I could date a paraplegics, and she will still get up and leave me.
No man will ever look as deeply into my eyes like the surgeon at Lasik.
Congratulations on your internet fame! Now table six could really use some more coffee.
You know the part of your bumhole that supposedly tells you if it's just a fart, or it's actually crap?... Yah, My dad needs a new one of those
My girl an I play this game called "hide the alcohol from the alcoholic".. right now she's losing
In Oregon a Labradoodle was unharmed after falling off a 200 ft cliff. Some suspect that he actually jumped because of the name "Labradoodle".
When I got the decorations out of the attic yesterday REAL spiders started coming out of the containers.... Well played Halloween, well played.
I do what the voices in my pants tell me to do
Cowards - kissassers - are not on the side of truth; they're on the side of money.
Biden's son booted off navy for positive cocaine test. Now he will run for office and win and deztroy sovereignty of nationz
I hate when people ask questions during movies like do you not understand that a movie purposely doesn’t tell you things in order to build suspense
It's unhealthy the amount of pressure society put on adults having to behave.
Do you know how I recognize a peasant?! They stare deeply into someone's eyes without knowing that they're not comfortable.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That's what going back to an ex is like. 