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If you wear pants in your own home why did you even buy a house 
“you look tired” is the politically correct way of saying “you look like crap”
How much for the eternal loyalty & unconditional love? Ma'am that's a puppy
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
Tomorrow is "Drag your ex behind your car to work day".
Wife swapping?..... Count me in... Here she is, you're in the middle of a divorce.
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
You sound happily in a relationship. UNFRIEND...BLOCK...UNFOLLOWED.
No, the tear drop tattoo doesn't mean I killed someone. I just like people to know that I'm sad when I'm sober.
The three basic rules to plumbing: 1. Hot goes on the left. 2. Cold goes on the right. 3. $h!t won't flow uphill.
That moment when the woman you're dancing behind suddenly bends over so you can grind it, then you realise she just lost an earring... and no one else in Starbucks can hear your iPod.
My pet rock didn't wake up this this morning....gonna have to bury it.
"Figuratively ain't no sunshine but the actual sun continues to warm Earth when she's gooone" -Bill Withers, concerned about starting panic
the nfl: knock a woman out - suspended 2 games... drink beer - suspended 4 games...
I am currently taking the cold beer challenge.
When someone you hate gets shot: Omg is the bullet ok?
When all else fails, go nude.
Have you ever seen that show River Monsters? I just renamed it “1,000 reasons I'm NOT getting off the boat
Dating site for overweight people: All you can meet.
75% of women who smoke swallow. . . 