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Every time I think I'm ready for a serious relationship again, I just remember that I like having sex 
Back in the 60's the pot called the kettle a different word.
The Pope has excommunicated the Mafia? When will the internal struggles end within the Roman church. Can't they all just get along like the one big family that they are?
I mean, who hasn't been in a drug deal gone bad?
in other news...A TSA member was arrested today in Miami. When the HOmeland Security searched her house, aside from finding a px4 hand gun, some mariajana....they found a disney snowglobe fulled of a suspicious white powder!
Chicken Omelette - a vendetta against the chicken race! Usually when a contract chicken killer who has it in for the chicken, to not only take out a hen's eggs, but to stuff it with chicken! 2 generations of chicken dead!
You know when a friend says, "I thought of you the other day." And then smile so it looks like their whole face is smiling...I like that. I like that a lot.
I wish I loved anything as much as women love telling other women "that's perfectly normal" without any medical training whatsoever.
SILF - Sorry Liver Its Friday
Your husband is a in a better place, Mrs. Smith. He's in the stomach of a shark now. How badass is that
Shopping on the Total Wine website for some good wine, they have a lot of filter categories such as red/white, merlot/cabernet, california/italy, etc but the biggest one missing is Bottle/Box!!!!! Geez, What were they thinking.
You're like the warm beer of people.
I didn't know which one of my multiple personalities I wanted to be today, so I stayed home instead. . .
People that ask if you're there yet are the reason why vibrat0rs exist
Walking around Wal Mart with my left shoe off.
*gay guy hits on me* ME: I'm straight. GAY GUY: So is spaghetti, until it's hot & wet. If any man gets to have me, it's this dude...
I just want to hang out with some people whose asses I don't have to wipe. Is that too much to ask.?
Have you ever been at the beach and looked at the face of a scantly-clad teenager and think; "Jail Bait." But than look at her body and wonder just how much jail time they are talking about?
The World Cup is finally over. Now can we get back to watching fat men in ridiculous padding running around randomly?
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'. 