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The Grapes of Wrath is my favorite book title talking about a Woman drinking wine and angrily planning on burning your house to the ground. 
We shouldn't send our trash into space, that's how you get space raccoons
Girl at party: "So, where is your significant other". Me: "In the car charging"
*Dogs on coffee break... Comic Dog: Want to hear a joke?.. Other dogs: Okay... Comic Dog: Knock Kno.... *Other dogs ALL GO NUTS !
If you sit on your hand till it falls asleep and then like your own jokes,, it feels like someone else is doing it.
Learned something new today. If you tell a girl she's a 6, she'll make up the other 4 in bed
A blow job a day keeps the "YOU SPENT HOW MUCH?!?!" away.
It's easy to pick out Charlie Sheen's kid in school. He's the only kid who crushes and snorts his Flintstone's chewable vitamins.
I hope all of the ladies out there get to be with the man of your memes.
I don't use alcohol as a crutch. It's more like a motorized wheelchair.
I like my women like I like my sentences, without periods!
Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they're doing right now? They're playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone!
I wonder if anyone's kids had their first day of school today?
What's the inside temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke warm.
I heard that breathing can give you cancer.
I asked my cat if I'm passive aggressive and she ignored me. I hope I don't forget to feed her tonight.
“The man who fears losing has already lost.”
You know a girl is a keeper if she picks the iron when she's playing Monopoly.
I am strongly opposed to a representational democracy.... AND I VOTE!
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas. 