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Dear Vanilla Ice, how does one rock a mic like a Vandal? By sacking Rome? 
They say laughing adds 15 minutes to your life... So try not to smile
wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said!!
if a fly could stop all its nonesense I think it could produce honey
was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
Doctor/Hosptial shows are all the same.. He's going into Cardiac Arrest! Commercial.. Oh wait it was only gas, He's having a Seizure! Commercial, Oh wait he was only masterbating."
what happens in vegas,stays in vegas..except for herpes
We have a game show called Survivor in America....you can win 1 million dollars for doing something for 2 weeks that most people on this planet call "life"!! It simply amazes me how spoiled, ungrateful and lazy we are!!
In this bright future you can't forget your past. - Bob Marley, RIP
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas
sells toilet paper for a living.... When the world poops he eats.
Cicadas, Crafty LiL critters... I swear they play dead then when you turn away they fix those beady red eyes on your back and can fly just enough to land in your hair! Oh, and they have a death grip, 150 mph blower and they laugh...laugh I tell you!
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
just gonna park my car at the pump until payday...
No... I'm not lazy... I'm just resting up for my 30's... (I got a lot planned)
Height of tension:Obama updated his status on Facebook "Osama is dead."Justice has been done,after a few minutes Obama gets a notification "Osama has liked your status ".
To the makers of fruitroll-ups: when I enjoy your deliciousness, I mess up the touchscreen on my smartphone. Work on that please...
i thought it was going to take us a couple of days to take down libya! what happened?
I press Like or Dislike exclusively to make it an even number
Well, at least we'll get to see the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie before the Rapture. Woulda been a shame to miss that one. 