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I think I discovered time travel...I put instant coffee in the microwave. 
I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part of.
When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs.
for every pinch, you get a kick in the lucky charms! Feeling lucky?!
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Why are there laws against texting while driving and drinking while driving... but not texting while drinking?
The Dentist is the only man certified to say to a woman, "Lay down, relax, open wide, say ahh, now spit."
today has been so boring and uneventful, there must be a twist ending in the works. Like one of my co-workers will be revealed as a cyborg, or someone will get eaten by a bear.
I love spring but I'm not too keen on the pollen that comes along with it. Sneeze, sniff, sneeze, ...... I buy enough sudafed where the feds have me on their Meth lab watch list...... :D You think they would park their van a little bit farther down ...
There's a fine line between OBLIVION and PLAIN STUPIDITY.
some people have a way with words other people have not way.
A womans legs are her best friends but sometimes even the best of friends must part.
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" who get's the other penny......taxes
believe it or not, there's people out there that actually liked "Grease 2"
When my kids become wild and unruly I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
My right hand just fell asleep but I'm not really in the mood
MONEY can't buy life, but can give you a lot of fake friends. Beware!
Somewhere in America, a guy at a CVS wisely and at the last minute, puts back the loofah
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world...
I know this is bad taste... But do you think this means we'll be seeing an increase in Japanese Superheroes?... 