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Clingy ex's are like toilet handles.Occasionally we have to flush many times to get some pieces of krap to just go away. 
the fail moment when you are checking out a girl and he turns around
I feel sorry for the adjective "flaccid" for it will forever be associated with that one thing...
I wish I could have an out of body experience... especially when it's time to go to work.
Why do Mexicans wear "sombreros?" Where else would they put their tacos while stealing your hub caps?
she said I don't give my number to strangers and I'm like we have been facebook friends for like 1 week already..lol
When I die, I just want my tombstone to read “George Clooney.” That ought to pull in some visitors.
The more pieces she's put out the less appealing her puzzle is to solve..RJ
September ended. Someone needs to wake up that Green Day guy.
no! I will not dress all fancy shmancy just to go to wal mart
With the way some people make you feel guilty about discussing sex, you would think God created the human body and the devil slapped on the genitals.
Women rarely tell their age and men rarely act theirs.
In the strange event that you are buying condoms. Make sure they say 'bareskin' and not 'bearskin' trust me on this one.
Elderly drivers. Pressing the pedal on the right will make your car go a little faster. Forget all that rubbish about suffocating at speeds above 20 kmh. It was all a myth.
to the guy who made the "16-bit dinosaurs" music video, What were you smoking?, How much have you been Smoking? Can I have some?
Sometimes I hate being around interesting people because it means I have to try and be interesting too.
Since I can't get my illiterate coworker use spell check, I set his email signature to say "Sent from my phone, pardon any typos"
I need a guy to give me a hug and say " Sorry my whole gender sucks"
Side-Chick-Text: “You just deleted my post on your Facebook wall. Why are you trying to hide me?”
MAN RULE 102: No man shall describe another man as cute or handsome. 