Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
bets that in prison everyone's relationship status is set to "it's complicated". 
If I've learned one thing in life it's: No matter what the problem is, alcohol is always the answer.
Wrong # call = boring. Wrong text message = fun. Some1 text me "Carl, where the hell r u?" I responded "sex change, call you back as Carla."
They're remaking Mr. Rogers with a animated tiger? o:
Jack got fired for thinking outside the box
I wonder if starving kids in Africa are comforted by the fact that people routinely use them as an excuse to over eat.
Ya know it's a bad day when you wreck yourself before you check yourself.
I don't need damn a brain, I have google.
If I were a woman, there would almost never be a time when I wouldn't wear high heels or carry a gun. Or insist everyone call me Candy.
God grant me the strenghth not to throat punch anyone taday, Amen!
"When life handed me political aides I turned them into Lemonaides"- Bill Clinton
OK, I go upstairs to the bathroom and walk by and my wife is watching Forensic Files....20 minutes later she comes down to the man cave and asks if we should get life insurance on each other!! Made me nervous
Best breakup line - Our relationship is fat, its not working out.
Yeah, you look smart but I don't trust my eyesight much.
46% of violence on T.V. occurs in cartoons.
Procrastinate like there's several tomorrows
I judge a hotel by the complimentary shampoo and conditioner.
too bad Mr. Rogers isnt still alive to have facebook & do the games...then he really can be our neighbor
A new book claims Sarah Palin had sex with NBA star Glen Rice. That's where she got the phrase, “Drill, Baby, Drill.”
A bill collector called me and I told them I had $17,208,857.23 in Mafia Wars but I'm having a problem transferring the funds to my checking. 