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Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still sh*t your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough sh*t. 
that if an old, fat man comes down you chimney tonight, creeps into your bedroom and kidnaps you don't worry! I asked santa for a friend for christmas and he is just getting me one :)
Just got an email that I won the Nigerian lottery. Finally..A lucky break!
My smoking might be bothering you, but it's killing me.
What are three wordsTiger woods doesn't want to hear during sex? "Honey i'm home!"
Obama gets a Nobel prize after sending 30k more troops. Stay tuned, next week Tiger Woods wins husband of the year.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
it's one thing for Tiger to promote Nike and the slogan "just do it," but it's another thing to live by it.
knows a lot of people that will corner the market on coal this Christmas
Better to be bad and remembered than be good and forgot
There are 2 types of people on Facebook: those who have a way with words, and the others, who, don't... not... have... way.
doing research to come up with a vaccine for stupidity. Please donate accordingly.
shocked by the attempted plane bombing. After all those emails about lotteries and wealthy strangers who want to transfer hundreds of thousands to my account, he thought we could trust the Nigerians.
BE NICE to kids...SERIOUSLY they have weapons now!!!
wonders why people only see ghosts at night? Probably for the same reason nobody sees UFO's in the city
..if I want to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet ,i'll put shoes on my cats!
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present.
Must be nice living in never neverland, maybe I'll come visit you when I need a break from reality!
really hungry now but I have to serve the virtual eggheads at cafe world first.. aaahh! I need to get a life!
Leroy Jethro Gibbs>American Idol 