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I think I just gave her a mamogram 
watching his 401k descend like a drug addled hooker with vertigo.
Remember when someone is annoying it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap the idiot!!
listening to WPMS. They play three weeks of easy listening and one week of ragtime.
drink wisely....DONT spill!
I'm only gunna give you half of it," the back half."
Seriously, dude in front of me at the register...digging in your pants for the last 2 minutes for change is making you look kinda creepy...
Terrance & Phillip should've really done the "lighting of the torch" during the Winter Olympics back then.....too late now.
you can't blame men for the forest depletion. As long as we are wearing clothes, we don't need napkins, think of the trees we have saved by getting greasy hands clean on our pants....
yes I lost my virginity but at least I still have the box it came in!
just saw a commercial for the Hogwarts place at universal... so down to take shrooms and go, who's down?
When nothing goes right....go left.
After five minutes of forced conversation, I've just realized that this person sitting across from me is not, in fact, Tony Danza
we don't choose who you fall in love with, we can only pray that thay fall in love with us too ♥
has heard better comebacks from someone in a coma.
My friend was too cheap to hire a proper butler. So he ended up with one with no left arm. Serves him right.
If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?
Apparently a vacation is more important than honoring our fallen soldiers at Arlington....But don't worry, Obama will be back in DC next week to rub elbows with his celebrity friends as they honor Paul McCartney's many accomplishments. Jerk!
A Glimpse by defintion, is an impermanent thing!
I think the american people should be allowed to show the BP executives and some of these clowns in our government just what a true "JUNK SHOT" is 