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No! You cant have my Heart,the Doctor said i'll be dead without it. 
Rule #1 of the Internet: Nothing you put online, even for a second, can ever be taken down.
Life lesson # 243- Never try to cut the hair of a 16 month old child without anesthesia.
If you only have one photo on you're Facebook you are either a spammer, or a loser, either way don't request me as a friend.
I just heard that Randy Moss is writing his life story. He's only written two chapters and already he's finished an entire box of crayons. :)
I always have the urge to ride one of those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
i can spell, it's the grammer that I has a problem with
A back-up plan means your first plan sucks.
Turns out cloud 10 is actually the accumulated farts of everyone on cloud 9.
Mr. Officer, I am not drunk. You are just witnessing sobriety that hasn't returned yet.
so if you bug me for my number and I tell you my credit score...will you go away??
Ah Man! Nothing worse than seeing two flies fornicating on your fresh off the grill, 12 dollar ribeye steak.....Appetite gone.
you cant enjoy a fight without a foam finger.. .
feeding the cat extenze..
Wonder's how far you could kick a midget?
the accident that is causing you to be stuck in traffic this morning? It's Brooks Conrad's fault...
Im done being mad at everybody. From now on I'm going to start buying my enemies gifts.. the brown gifts wrap with tape and left on their porch
After the Vikings dreadful performance and fall to 1-3, the Chilean Miners have decided to stay underground.
Drinking is the answer, I don't remember the question
Saw a picture of me at the costume store. Unfortunately its called the lonely, horny and drunk costume 