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killing 1 bird with 2 stones 
at Office Depot wearing a raincoat looking for a staple remover.
I see a lite in the distance....could be a Miller Lite, I better go check it out!
This girl has worse breath than my dog, and my dog can reach around and lick his own ass.
peeing on your wall
To the Gentlemen, I'm Miss Fortune. To the Ladies, I'm Sir Prize.
Hi, it's me, Monday. I'm here to slap that silly grin off your stupid little pointed face.
Everything I ever needed to know I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains.
I celebrate the Equinox every year by dressing up in a sparkly jump suit....I call it the sequinox!!!!
The only thing that keeps me from losing my mind is........ Hold up... I'll get back to you on that...
I wonder if my mailman even recognized me with my clothes on.
an expert on woman and knows all there is to know about them because he got the best one to marry him :)
what does a shingle and a fat chick have in common? They both get nailed by mexicans..
My Idea for a church bulletin. "Stop, drop, and roll won't work in hell ."
I'm hearing that the founder of Friendster is donating like $75 to the University of Phoenix.
finds it helpful to organize chores into categories: Things I won't Do Now, Things I Won't Do Later, and Things I'll Never Do.
KARMA: Smackdown of the Gods!
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
If your in my circle, Congratulations your a HAPPY person.
I'm not a drunk. I just play one under the TV. 