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Fact: Soccer is a game invented by European ladies to pass the time while their husbands cooked dinner. Go practice your throw-ins, you cheese-eating surrender monkey! 
At one point in their life 95% of women will have intelligent DNA. Unfortunately most will spit it out.
Hi, I'm Israel and I'm fxckd up. US, get your priorities straight. Killing sailors on an aid flotilla has pushed the limits of Israel's crimes against humanity.
Dear God, Happy Father's Day.
The national debt is now the same as the U.S. economy. Obama really did balance the budget.
The wall should have been built before the pilgrims came to this land.
If a lesbian c@ckblocks another lesbian, would it then be considered a beaver dam?
just lost my job at the Orange Juice factory...I couldn't concentrate
When God asks what you've done with your life, try not to say “Didn't you read my statuses?”
TV commercials always portray white guys as dorks but we own 99% of America so I guess we're even...
"If you like your insurance, you can keep it" is the new, "I promise, I'll only put the tip in"
Biden's teeth were so white last night, they're voting for Romney.
Would Jesus be pissed off that we are celebrating his birthday on the wrong day?
Shots fired in Canada? How is that possible? Guns are illegal there.
When you realize Facebook has made more changes than Obama...
tshirt idea: 100% cotton, yo momma picked it.
Dear slut: Has your right leg ever met your left leg? _Discusted bystanders
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
looking to buy a decaf coffee table.
any body else going to grab a six pack order a pizza and watch the GOP convention? 