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This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Biden speeches. 
Dear God, If you give us Freddie Mercury back, you can have Justin Beiber
My girlfriend always complains that I don't take her anywhere expensive.. So I took her to the Gas Station.
What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle? Wipe it off and apologize.
People posting... "Damn it's September already?" What TF you thought came after August?! August Jr?
You know how to make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!!
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
just because your mother is a single parent, doesn't mean you have to follow in her footsteps at such an early age.
You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hangout with nineteen year old girls everyday?
First, Alaska brought us Sarah Palin. Now, "smoked salmon flavored vodka." Can we get a restraining order against them?
when the smog clears in Los Angeles, UCLA...
the Vatican is accused of laundering money?!? Next thing you know, you will be telling me they molest little boys too!
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
The Best thing about the internet: It's available to everyone. The Worst thing about the internet: It's available to everyone.
~• << A picture of me when I was younger.
says looking at the NFL schedule, the NFL needs to change who plays the Thanksgiving game. It should be Patriots vs. Redskins in Washington. Then, after the game, the Patriots kill the Redskins and take their stadium away from them...
Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do. And if you piss him off, you go to a place full of fire and burning and torture and anguish. But he loves you. He loves you, and he needs money.
If Obama gets re-elected this year, props to the mayans.
How many Syrian refugees will be let in before you are beheaded?
It’s the anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. Expecting any minute that Whitehouse will mark the event by tweeting a pic of Obama on vacation in Hawaii. 