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The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children. 
anyone else think Lucky Charms is just Cheerios with marshmallows?
Dear wifey; Just because I'm laughing while I'm reading a text message, does not automatically mean I'm flirting with someone. Your forever-innocent hubby.
I'm getting too old to drop it like it's hot, so I'm just gonna squat like its warm!!!
Throwing ammonia on pandas creates pandamonium.
If Mama Cass gave Karen Carpenter the ham sandwich she chocked on, they both would be alvive today!
I regret I'm one of the billion a$$holes who watched Gangnam Style on Youtube.
Wow they had a football game at beyonces concert!!!
When in a relationship, a real man doesn't make his woman jealous of others, he makes others jealous of his woman
Ladies, if you've been called a c*nt by 3 or more people, you're a c*nt...
For Americans, next Tuesday is election day. For some Japanese-Americans, it will be "erection day."
I nominate all passengers for the ice bucket challenge. Sincerely, The Titanic
Awe c'mon folks .... No matter what you have to say about the big plagiarism scandal ...... You do have to admit that Melania definitely said it better!!
if you're ever feeling down just remeber: you were that ONE sperm that made it.
"Yo! FaShizzle.....Muthaf****r".......that's what one sounds like.
it's Monday and the time to procrastinate is NOW!
Dear Santa, please let me take a look of your good girls gone bad list.
... hmm ... If you try 2 google myspace you'll get " did you mean Facebook ?"
What do you call a bra in Russian? Stoppenzefloppin
Yesssss….neighbor guy, the whole block knows you own a Harley. So, you can stop revving your engine every 1.6 seconds. Or, better yet, while you are stopped at the stop sign. You're cool, we get it. 