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Obama should pull an Ollie the Weatherman tonight... And now, the President of the United States.... "WE'RE BROKE!!!" --Cut to commercial-- 
Shooting up heroin with Justin Bieber and Making a sex tape with Miley Cyrus..
monday is a perfect day for my taxes to go up. Thanks Nancy!
FYI...the NRA has NEVER killed anyone, BUT....Plamned Parebthood has! Millions.
Only cheaters vote for Hillary
There's a new drinking game at my house. Every time the Democrats call Republicans "extremists" or "radicals" we have to do a shot!!!
I asked my wife what she wants for Christmas. She said, "Oh, nothing special." So I'm giving her a framed picture of her t!ts.
I put the "semen" in "amusement park". And that is why I am no longer welcome at Six Flags.
I Just want to point out the NRA's plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
lesbians are boycotting chick fil a by eating tacos!!
I'm not gay but twenty dollars is twenty dollars....
I think I am going to print the constitution on a bunch of rolls of toilet paper and send it to the president and his cronies, that way they can truly wipe thier a$$ with it.
"Courageous Patriots have fought and died for our great American Flag --- we MUST honor and respect it! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!" - Says a serial draft dodger.
The only Blue Wave anyone is going to see this year is the one that hit the Carolina coast a few weeks ago.
My mate went to see a psychic last week who told him he would be coming into a lot of money. Last night he shagged a fat bird called Penny - how spooky is that?!
gonna buy a real tree sometime this week, hope it doesnt end up like amy winehouse, dead...5' 6 and surrounded by needles by christmas...
a really skilled person can flick a booger on the first try
If we hear a burglar stumbling around our house in the dark why do we yell out 'Who's There'? Do we really expect them to yell back their name?
my driving instructor told me, NEVER brake if there's an animal in the road....You should have seen the look on the copper's face as I knocked him off his horse.
Honk if you love God, text while driving if you want to meet him... 