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My New Years Resolution is to have as much fun as I can regret 
- When Stephen Hawking has sex does he use Condoms or Norton Anti Virus?
Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, ‘What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'
I'm dreaming of a melty turquoise Christmas. And sugar plums are fighting lesbian dragons in my head. This LSD-nog is fantastic.
they say the camera adds 10 pounds. well it looks like you just ate five cameras.
I'm the type of girl who can be so hurt but still look at you & smile. The type of girl who is willing to brighten your day even if I cant brighten my own.
Know when you're drying off after a shower and that last trickle of water runs down your asscrack? Well, welcome to my world...
My neighbor is so uptight I could put a lump of coal in his butt and 5 minutes later he'd be like "don't put stuff in my butt anymore, Mike"
I just found some old "coupons" I got from an ex for a birthday. Any of you ladies take competitor's coupons?
Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.
8 out of 10 men don't understand women, the other 2 want to be them.
If you're in a relationship and all you do is cry everyday, you need to stop and ask yourself: "Am I dating a HUMAN or an ONION?"😂😜
President Vladimir Putin says at least we know where this Malaysian Airliner is.
Cheese Doritos are like cheese covered razors if you chew a moth full to fast
Elementary School: YAY CRAYONS! =) Middle School: Crayons? What am I, 3? -__- High School: HOLY SH*T, CRAYONS!
Glad I noticed it's Ash Wednesday so I don't tell someone they have dirt on their forehead...
Women are like cheese...They come in different shapes, colours, and with various sized holes. Mature one's have blue veins running through them....And they always go down easier with wine.
Since Two And A Half Men has been cancelled Charlie Sheen should star in his own reality show titled Two And A Half Brain Cells ~ My Life Filled With Drunken Binges, Being Wasted On Cocaine and Paying For Expensive Hookers.
If you wear diapers.. I'm pretty sure you're a liberal
Ok gang, help me get in the loop. Is it considered taboo for Asians to drive vehicles other than a Honda or a Toyota? 