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you don't have to be the most handsome guy neither the richest to pick up girls....just be able to lick your eyebrow 
Let me solve this whole airline/volcano crisis.... first - load the planes. second - fly the freakin plane around the ash cloud! no problem!
What do the Argentina World Cup soccer team and BP have in common? A Messi!
about as nutty as a squirrel's turd
Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off to sleep I go. I'll crawl in bed and rest my head. Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho!
You have not truly experienced ALL of Gods blessings until you have been on both sides of giving and receiving.
I often pick my dog's poop up with an empty Baby-Ruth wrapper... What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Dear old love: I used to fantasize about you dying so that I could be single again. I'm so glad I decided to leave you instead of waiting for you to die.
I'm more frustrated than a homosexual with tonsilitis on Valentine's Day!
The fairies say I drank too much cough syrup but I don't believe in fairies so...... Wait
Roses are brown, violets are brown, grass is brown...who took a sh!t in my yard!?
Blonde texts me "What does IDK, IDC and GTG mean? " I respond "I don't know, I don't care, and Got to Go." She responds "FINE, but that's really rude!"
One spelling mistake can destroy your life, A Husband sent this to his wife:I'm having a wonderful time wish you were her
Sorry girls L.O.V.E dosn't stand for "legs open very easy"
I heard on the news that a man was arrested for having sex with a picnic table. I hope he was wearing a condiment.
I wonder if Hillary has any stains on her pants suits.
I thought of going Amish once....I didn't have the WHEEL POWER to do it
again......Show me on the doll where gas prices touched you.
Prostitutes are buysexual
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone, and I'm the a§§høle for tripping him?? 