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The only thing more insane than Tim Tebow believing the universe was created in 6 days is the Patriots believing in Tim Tebow. 
what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12
calling someone out on Facebook is like winning the gold medal in the Special Olympics: In the end, you are still retarded.
I was watching my dog lick himself when I though "I'm gonna try that".....He bit me!!!!
Thanks for the sticker on your car telling me to remember 9/11. While you're at it, why not tell me to remember when my parents got divorced, when my dog died, and when my ex cheated on me.
Don’t trust everything you see. Even vodka can look like water.
Guns don't kill people. Husbands that come home early do
Watching all 6 episodes of Star Wars in one sitting sure makes the dagobah fast.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
In regards to the Noah movie: Make sure you take someone with you, I heard they're only selling tickets in pairs...
says I would like to think a die a heroic dealth. but its more likely i'll trip over the dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting!
I just sneezed hard while taking a poop.....I think I just lost my colon
Over 12 people shot at a Mothers Day parade in New Orleans today. Such a messed up world we live in.
I wonder why God made cocaine taste better when mixed with stripper body glitter and why I'm not allowed to ask questions in church anymore.
When religious people judge you for not being religious. Pretty sure your religion says your not supposed to judge other people. Talk about being hypocritical.
Politicans should stop acting like high school girls. The first one who doesn't talk bad about the other one and just states what he will do to fix the country is the first one I would be happy to vote for
they're 3 kinds of people in this world. Those that are good with math, an those who aren't.
I am pleased to announce that the PR firm of Helland-Hunt, LLC will be handling the issuance of all apologies on my behalf from now on. So, if you're looking for an “I'm sorry” from me, please go to Helland Hunt for it..
popen ain't easy- Benedict
Happy Single Guys Day everyone....................Palm Sunday. 