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When you can't defend, dodge. When you can't dodge, deny. When you can't deny, deflect. When you can't deflect, distort. When you can't distort, dissemble. When you can't dissemble, distract. When none of that works, change the subject. 
I heard that if you golf enough, the terrorists eventually surrender.
"not for everyone. Clinical tests show that X may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver problems. Ask your doctor if X is right for you."
If we have learned anything over the the last couple years it is that if you attack a person with a gun, you may get shot and killed.
sticking sharp metal objects into the wall outlets.
weed is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Every girl has their favorite period underwear.
Cats are really not all that bad...................It turns out, I've been cooking them wrong this whole time...
used to be an aethist. Then I found out I am God....
smells like teen spirit
Fat women invented the Blind Date to trick men into having to give them a free meal.
just when you think the royal wedding was the talk of the town ha! you know us americans must allways steal your shine. up yours england
For every guy that's participating in, "No shave November", I just want to let you know that it will also be, "No pu$$y November" for you as well.
I saw my Arab neighbor shaking a rug off his back porch. I called him out "Whatsamatter, Ahmed? It won't start?"
To My Future Wife: When I die, I want you to mix my ashes in a bowl of chili, then eat it. Just so I can tear that ass up one more time.
I was holding my girlfriend's hair as she was puking and she farted at the same time. We broke up because I couldn't stop laughing.
I am so ready for Chrismas. To be over.
Ever notice how the word "bed" looks like a bed?
Girls adjust their bras in public all the time and no one says a thing. I adjust my b@lls once and everyone freaks out.
Duct tape. Turning "No" into "mmmmmmffff" since 1871. 