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Olive Garden says: "When you're here you're family". I won't go there out of fear of a woman resembling my grandmother running out of the kitchen and throwing a shoe at my head. 
shocked that thousands of military personnel have lost their lives and no one says a thing. a drugged out celebrity dies and... well, you know. now THAT'S FUNNY!!!
I wish the oil companies would give up "ridiculous price gouging" for lent...
The hardest choice I have to make everyday is what to wear cause if I turn into a zombie I want to look good!
People with a Bluetooth look like they're communicating with Douchebag Mission Control.
i'm feeling a little off today , wanna turn me on?
1 universe, 9 planets, 204 countries, 809 islands,7 seas, over 6 billion people, and I had the unfortunate luck of meeting you.
they say we need to do more for the mexican people, which I think we do cause the fences arent electric.
During sex last night I whispered those 3 little words in my wifes ear...................................."Stop, Don't Move".
Whenever someone spells something wrong, I always look to see if the two letters are close on the keyboard.
I dont want to brag or make anyone jealous but I can still fit into the earings I wore in high school.
Happy 12/13/14.
Everyone thinks they're incapable of committing murder until they see uncleared time on the microwave.
So there's a football game going on at the Katy Perry concert?
There has been so much snow in Mass. that Elizabeth Warren is claiming to be an Eskimo
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
*Taps life on shoulder* What's your fcukin problem with me?
Whatever low battery indicator. You aren't the bos
Cinco de Mayo: May the 5th be with you.
I hate when I try to rob a bank through the drive-up window and my gun gets stuck in the vacuum canister. 