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Today's kids play TSA agent instead of doctor. 
Another NBA season...and Chris Bosh is still ugly.
Facebook: someone added a photo of you.. Me: fu?k
Was Noah an animal hoarder?
My coffee doesn't talk to me, and my Rice Krispies are telling me to do some weird s hit, so I'll let vodka make most of my decisions.
I'm quitting my job as professional fisherman. I can't live on my net income.
My mother always said "if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all." I hope she's happy my mime career has taken off.
My mate asked me,"Do you like Tom Hanks movies?" I said, "Well I'm not a Big fan..."
How do homeless people manage to get those expesive tattoo's?
Anthony Weiner to star in new mini-series...Sext and the pity.
My animals are staring at me like I am the bacon messiah
Women love when you do "the little things." I don't know what they are, but they love that sh*t
Another lawyer TV series and I start strangling cats.
i wonder what the ex pope will do with all those sweet hats
marijuana is the only medication who may cause good side effect
April Fools Day: Don't believe anyone or anything...like you should any other day.
I won the celebrity death pool today, I had Shain Gandee...
Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
Need a friend? Text me. Need a laugh? Call me. Need money? This number is no longer in service.
The fact that music can induce goosebumps, draw a tear, inspire, and connect is one of my favorite parts of being a human. 