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"Those Who Can They Do, Those Who Can't They Teach." 
You ever hear stories of people you have never seen before and you create an image of what they look like and when you finally see them you kind of get disappointed or weirded out that they don't look like what you imagined?
Do you remember the day we travelled in a car? I put my dog out of the window, you put ur face out, then people started shouting 'TWINS TWINS'
Don't ever wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.
looking at Uranus through his telescope.
...is upset about all of these celebrity deaths. First, Rue McClanahan, then, Gary Coleman, and now, Jimmy Dean. I guess you could summarize it as the loss of "sex, drugs, and sausage rolls"....
Loneliness taught me evrythng in this world, Except Hw 2 4get the person who made me alone ...
is hoping for some Salem style mayhem before having to sit through another Harry Potter snorefest.....Gandalf still owes me 8 bucks for the last one.
How many times do you have to pass your coworker in the hall before you switch from saying "hi" to breakdance fighting?
Time to break out my mistletoe belt buckle!
In the news: Police squad helps dog bite victim. ........... You'd think they would be trying to stop it.
I'm so broke after Christmas shopping this New Year's I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.
You know you're at the top of the naughty list when you get nothing under the tree, coal in your stocking and reindeer crap on your roof!
3 girls I graduated with got engaged yesterday! I, on the other hand, was engaged in knitting in my snuggie while watching "It's a Wonderful Life" for about the hundredth time, and playing Robot Unicorn Attack. Thinking maybe I should get out more....
How in the heck was Cinderella the only girl in the ENTIRE kingdom to wear that size shoe?
Seriously, how come they're not called tampoons?
I hate it when an ugly girl catches me staring at her cleavage.
If I were the judge at the Samsung & Apple trial I'd say "Let's be honest, both of you stole these ideas from Nokia" & we'd have a laugh.
Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming
My suicide note will probably just be my phone left unlocked 