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Celebrating Columbus Day by walking into some stranger's house and telling them I live there now. 
If your mouth is shut in all your pics, we assume that you have funky teeth!!
Wave your hands in the air, if a bee is right there.
RIP Ryan Dunn. I'd like to think you entered the afterlife being slingshot in a wheelbarrow.
Home Alone = Porn at MAX Volume
<----- threw a crate of Milk Duds all over the floor at a Weight Watchers meeting last night....It was the best game of "Hungry Hungry Hippos" I ever saw!
February was $5 footlong month and black history month. Who is the evil genius behind that?
When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out… “hey, who knew they had wi-fi Down there?”
| ( • )( • ) | Spongebob / ( • )( • ) \ Patrick ( (•)(•) ) Squidward | (•) | Plankton |•||•| Mr.Krabs
I saw a piece of s$it on the ground yesterday. It reminded me of you.
A much wittier reply came to mind immediately after I clicked the 'Share' button.
its national hug a retard day!...now dont freak out like you did last year...im not trying to steal your helmet!!!
I want to work at a day spa, I bet I could give a hell of a facial!
I'm always thinking one step ahead...like a carpenter...that makes stairs
Only in a god-fearing state like Arizona, can you get pulled over, detained, and fined if your name is Jesus
Lady Gaga is a Yankees fan. Point: Mets.
...so, is it to soon to ask Whoopi Goldberg if she's heard from Patrick Swayze yet?
2014 was a good year, unless you were a brother resisting arrest, pointing a toy gun, selling illegal smokes or beating your lady...
what does hurricane Isaac and Kim Kardashian have in common? They'll both blow anything on the west coast just to get on tv...
Mosquito's and women are alike, except a mosquito will stop sucking when you slap it.... 