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Keeping me happy is simple, don't mess with my food. 
I'm officially old...spent the day looking for a store that went out of business 20 yrs ago
My wife told me she wanted to increase her workout by doing some cardio, I said grab the lawnmower and push :)
I'm "single and ready to mingle" because it sounds less desperate than "alone and ready to bone"
You got stretch marks around your mouth b!tch, so don't be playing hard to get.
Take this status and shove it straight up your ass. Your head needs some company.
In a party, handsome guy approached a girl and asked her "r you goin 2 dance?" Girl felt so happy and said,"YES" The guy said-"thats good . . . . . can I have your chair?"
Sometimes it's fun to use unnecessary amounts of anger: "Peter can I have one of your chips?" "no" "DAMN IT PETER, I WILL SH!T ON YOUR GRAVE!!"
Herman Cain's "motorcade" down to a rental car and a fat kid on a trike
I like to buy kids loud gifts and laugh at how annoyed their parents are gonna get
The doctor said I have ADOLAB. Attention Deficit...Ooo! Look! A beer!
Joe B. always looks like he suffers from an intestinal parasite.
boom chackalacka chackalacka (3x)
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Fat girls are gross, there is nothing sexy about being unhealthy. Stop calling yourself curvy and go for a jog.
If you're atheist so don't celebrate Christmas
I am running for King in our next election, this president su - cks. . .
There was shootings and stabbings surround the BET Awards? You dont say. In other news, meteorologist suggest it "may be hott" today in the Safari Desert.
"instagram are you okay?" "yeah i'm vine" "what was that" "i said i'm fine"
Gun Control: Use both hands. 