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I may not be the biggest or longest lasting, but I'm the most appreciative!! 
During tonight's debate i'm gonna stand at a podium in my living room and pretend i'm the candidate everyone ignores.
there are 2 kinds of people in this world. Those who love beer and idoits...
What's the strongest Bird in the world? A Crane
I think it's safe to assume that 1991 Ice Cube would kill 2012 Ice Cube
Whenever I stand in front of the mirror looking at my naked body,, I get depressed and think… “I'm going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I bet it gets super awkward when hand models ask for jobs.
Every time I hear Europe's "Final Countdown" I'm expecting Gob Bluth to appear and do a little magic
Well I'm turning 33 in a few weeks and to celebrate, instead of planting a bunch of pink flamingos in my yard, I'm gonna bury all the exes that stole my youth.
I replied "maybe" to your facebook event out of respect for the inherent uncertainty of life's journey.
you don't need to thank everyone on facebook for your birthday messages, they were not sincere.
Investigate your friends before they investigate you, because some of them work with your enemy's..
No lie speech to text is cool until you say "I'll be off work in fifteen" and it sends "I like to beat off jerks and teens" *RJ*
you might think it's funny, but it's snot
I don't know why my neighbor threw this half-full bottle of bleach in the trash, it tastes perfectly fine!
That gorgeous moment when you acknowledge the undeniable presence of an a$$hole inside you.
Brb = looking for an excuse to stop talking to you
So Valentine's Day is about 3 wks away....While everyone else gets flowers and candy...I'll be like Charlie Brown during Halloween...."All I got is a rock"
Dear Wednesday, Please treat me nicely, Thanks.
Dear neighborhood prowler. You are playing a dangerous game. This is Texas. We all have g0ddam arsenals. 