Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I’m the world record holder for the most arguments won against a woman................................................. 1 to be exact

   Thongs are like barbed wire fences. They protect the property, but don’t block the view.

   We could do this the easy way, or we could get married.

   I don't go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I'm dying to pee.

   Pickup line at Jenny Craigs: my arteries are getting hard just looking at you.

   Yes facebook... I'm sure I want to remove this event.

   I haven't been able to stop crying since that stranger on the internet said that they didn't like me...

   Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working

   A report indicates V iagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, V iagra sales have skyrocketed.

   I wish a girl with fake eyebrows would argue with me, I would lick my Thumb so Fast!

   Well this whole grown up thing has been fun but I have to go now...

   I like to add tension to a conference call with a surprise toilet flush.

   I just found my soul mate at work. She pulled up a chair to use the water cooler. Now that's MY kinda lazy.

   How many shares of fb stock do I need to buy before I can block anyone from ever posting about going to the gym again?

   Maybe I should get married. Its not like I have sex anyway.

   My dog doesn't know I stubbed my toe and wasn't yelling at him, he's been hiding under the bed 45 minutes…I think he called the cops.

   All this restraining order means is that I love you too much.

   We text 24/7, but when we meet, it's so awkward.

   The big winners in last nights MNF debacle?.... All of the TV repair shops in Wisconsiun.

   I don't feel like doing anything today...except for you...I'd do you.