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I'm only here for the alibi. 
My sister is going to a theme park tomorrow. I told her to have fun. Frightening to think what could've happened had I not shared that tip
I suffer from amnesia and dejavu...I think I have forgotten this before...
“Go out there and get your ass kicked by Steven Seagul” - Script for everyone else in a Steven Seagal movie.
Me and the missus have got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80s music. Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark....
CHINA vs INDIA - What a shaky situation for the United States. Who to side with. The Country who owns our mortgage and makes our stuff. Or the country who we handed all of our IT operations to.
My wifes husband is a great guy!! Not to mention how cool her kids dad is...
“If I was a dog, I would so hump your leg right now!”
Poor (adj.) When you have too much month at the end of your money
Just a reminder that you don't have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
How are we supposed to get through the impending zombie apocalypse without Hostess Twinkies!?
I'm not crying, I just have some emotions stuck in my eye.
Just got 12 new girlfriends...or as some of you call it a 6 pair pack of tube socks
Autocorrect has to be my worst enema.
I'm trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram so I'm not going to eat anymore.
In Miami: We had a great winter season lastnight, can't wait 'til next year.
My potatoes bring all the Irish to the yard and they're like, that famine was hard.
Shout out to my thrid grade teacher for teaching me cursive, my fith grade teacher for teaching me how to use the Index of an Encyclopedia and my seventh grade teacher for teaching me how to boot a computer into DOS. PS. Google says, "Hi!"
What's worse than an animal living in your attic? Your ex-boyfriend!
bad sex is better than a good day at work! 