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I ate so many chips I pooped an Eric Estrada. 
The more you duck face, the less I like you.
You know what is worse than the riots in Baltimore......... Another Paul Blart movie.
How do pizza delivery folks not eat the pizza on the way?
Kiss and make up is my favourite description of a Kiss concert
Just got passed by a Prius, and I DIDN'T exclaim "Oh hell no" then gun it............... I don't know what's happening to me
I'm fluent in 5 distinct variations of jackass.
Get married they said, it will be a blessing they said, wives are psychos they never said.
How we man wake up in the morning. Brain: Oh Fu&k. Body: Dont get up. Dic&: This is SPARTA..
so batman, superman, and spiderman just unfriend me because the giraffe riddle offended them.
I'm just practicing my arrogance in case I get rich one day.
Whoever said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach obviously never had a blow job.
You just know Quentin Tarantino has killed at least one hooker.
I'm still wondering exactly how long a cotton picking minute really is. Does anyone know ?
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
A V-neck so deep it teaches a philosophy class at the local community college.
Officer: Why were you driving so fast? Me: Just trying to keep up with traffic. Officer: There's no one on the road. Me: That just shows how far behind I am.
If it's called Labor Day,why don't we work on labor day and have the rest of the year off?
What is it about your mother's basement that makes you so tough on the internet?
Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady have put their LA Mega-Mansion up for sale. Sadly, in today's economy even the Brady-Bundchen can't keep their home. 