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That "HELL YEAH" moment after you read a text post that exactly says what you really feel and think. 
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Facebook will start charging you for your account. To avoid this, you MUST get NAKED, stand on your dining room table and do the Macarena, all the while singing ”I Will Survive”. Post it on your Facebook wall.
I wonder how much trial and error it took before the guy that invented "pull my finger" got it down to a science and stopped pooping his pants.
I hate when people text me.."Hey Stranger? How are you?" Clearly I'm not a stranger if you have my cell phone #!
Nothing says "mentally I'll and loving it" like stuffed animals in your car window.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
I'm feeling a bit scrappy and chivalrous today. kinda like the fox Sir Didymus in The Labyrinth. Where is Ambrosius my trusty steed?..RJ..
The best way to drink decaf coffee is to throw it at somebody.
Don't mess with me. I could accelerate global warming by a decade by releasing the methane trapped in my office chair.
The husband asked if I've seen where his exfoliation sponge was,,, and now I'm waiting for our periods to sync.
What are people asking Meatloaf to do 'for love'?
Got kicked out of the gym for crying again
Less talk, more overreaction.
That moment when ya reach down t'ween your legs to pull the handle to slide your car seat forward, but it won't move, so you keep try over and over to only realize that from the outside it probably looks like you're vigorously humping your own forearm
Life gave me onions........ P.S. Onionade sucks.
Committing to your happiness increases your chances for success.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I'm afraid there's been an accident.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucked yesterday, it’s probably still going to suck today in 2015...
If people are against war get Michael Moore to say something so outrageous they will support it again. 