Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If at first you DO succeed, someone's probably going to think you cheated.

   I'm surprised there isn't a "ABC's Rockin' Chilean Miners Rescue Special" hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

   9000 POEPLE ARE HAVING SEX RIGHT NOW...2000 ARE KISSING...1000 ARE ENJOYING ORAL... AND ONE LONELY F##KER IS READING MY STATUS......YOU HANG IN THERE SUNSHINE

   There are three stages in a person's life: You believe in Santa Claus; you don't believe in Santa Claus; you are Santa Claus.

   Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

   saving the planet by tailgating his Silverado behind a Prius.

   Let me ruin your favorite song by playing 15 times a day, 7 days a week!” – The Radio.

   ‎"Dijon found himself spread upon a bed of lettuce, atop a thin slice of turkey breast....enveloped by steamy buns....garnished with a sweet, crisp pickle...." ~~ Excerpt from my new book "50 SHADES OF GREY POUPON"....

   thinks it'll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!

   Boring Apocalypse thus far. Seems like Ryan Seacrest should be hosting a "2012 A-Rock-Alypse Eve" show from Times Square or something.....

   Anyone know when the next end of the world is?

   A pregnant Khadarshian is the last thing the world need right now, let alone pregnant by Kanye West. Reminds me of that reproducing mother Alien in he Aliens movie.

   My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.

   The best feeling in the world is when someone you hate tells a joke and nobody laughs.

   Aside from being hit and struck by a Smooth Criminal, how are you emotionally, Annie?

   BREAKING NEWS: Harvard study reveals that's not what she said.

   Be happy. Not because everything is good, but because you can see the good side of everything.

   A good magician never reveals what he does for a living.

   every machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough

   In 10 years time people who currently like Miley, Bieber, Lady Gaga and One Direction will make decisions about your health care. Sleep well.