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Now that I'm older my, "Girl I can go all night" is me pleading my case for the side of the bed closest to the bathroom 
Nothing says Easter like making deviled eggs while hungover
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing
someone filled my blow-up doll with helium...there goes another woman...**sigh**
Last night a horse asked me if I was planning on driving home. There might've been a cop on top of it.
Turns out a crash diet doesn't mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
My 10yr old daughter says I'm nosey! Well........that's what she said in her diary.
Alfalfa was the Depression era Justin Bieber.
when my wife isn't home, i'm the head of the household and what I say goes!!!
might apply for Kim Jong-il's job... I've always fancied a KOREA in politics !!!
Surgeon's knot, hangman's knot, square knot, sailor's knot.....I can't do them, but the wires in back of my computer desk sure can.
Christmas is not about what your home looks like, it's about love and sharing.
There are times when strangers are like family, and family are like strangers.
im going to send in a video of me dodging a spider web as my audition tape for the next Matrix movie
Angry birds are nothing compared to angry beavers. Those teeth hurt!
I tend to say " I don't know" when i'm too lazy to speak.
two guys walk into a bar..i was one of them. I dont remember anything else
What do you get someone who has everything? A round of antibiotics is probably a good place to start.....
Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who knows whats going on?
Charles Taylor might very well be guilty of war crimes, but he does make a fine sneaker 