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The tire on my car is shaking like a stripper! 
It's happened: I have developed real emotions for my iPhone. Actually , It's no surprise, because I was raised by a TV and a microwave.
It's impossible for me to dance without making the "I'm the sh!t" face.
too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.
I'm about sick of passwords! Pretty soon you'll need one to take a piss. ..oh, you have to use the bathroom- what's your password and user id
Wanna hear a joke about cats? Just Kitten!
things I learned from frank sinatra 1. a lady never leaves her escort and 2. a lady doesn't wander all over the room and blow on some other guys dice.
Treating the whole world as if it works for you doesn't suggest you're special, it means you're an a$$.
Right now....your tongue can't find a comfortable spot in your mouth
Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
Every time we say, "Let's pull an all-nighter!" Every time we fall asleep.
Kraft is raising the price of Maxwell House Coffee 22%. Apparently their new motto will be “As expensive as Starbucks without the attitude.”
News Flash: Bears in Yosemite rejoicing over possible government shutdown.
Mutton Chops will never go out of style in my eyes.
Wow! The kids from Glee are all singing about accepting themselves for who they are, the autotuned cranked up to 10. Think about that. Take as much time as you need....
I wonder what the blood alcohol level is of all these mosquitos that keep biting me?
What Marshal isn't stealing from Dane Cook, he is stealing elsewhere.
Actually he is stealing almost all of it from msib
Guys.. never raise your hand to a woman... it leaves your groin exposed 