Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
The world is at peace when you're eating a hamburger. 
She doesn't trust him an inch. If she doesn't find any strange hairs on his jackets she just accuses him of having an affair with a bald woman.
thinks it's funny that the Carnival cruise ship passengers were complaining about having no showers and eating nothing but Spam and Pop-Tarts. Right now thousands of male computer science majors are trying to find out how to sign up for the next cruise.
No one can do everything, BUT everyone can do something!!!
If anyone sees a bunch of people in their front yard tonight, don't be alarmed, were just christmas tree shopping.
The sweetest voice mail message at work is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it."
Hey!!! It's a "pedestrian crosswalk" you douche, not a "leap in front of my car like a freaking maniac walk!"
A hangover will occupy a head that wasn't used the night before.
When you tell a kid "maybe" all they here is "I swear on my life this will DEF happen!"
"Give me a scotch. I'm starving."
How long before I can convince you all that it's my birthday again?
I really hate people who breathe too hard... I can hear you breathing and that is a problem.
making some changes in his life. If your not on my friends list any longer, you were one of the changes........
it tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
these keys I hold in my hand open up a very important part of my life,.. your chastity belt
Zaa Zaa Gabor is doing well after her hip replacement surgury. The hip was donated by the Museum of Natural History
It's hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
There's literally no one in the world who uses the word "literally" properly
just found out red bull has no bull in it -- going back to beef shakes 