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I'm relationship intolerant. 
I came in like a wrecking ball. Then I realized I had the wrong house. My bad.
I only have two questions for my next girlfriend. 1. Do you want to marry me? 2. Why not?
I went and mailed some packages today and now I have Post Office Traumatic Stress Disorder.
H0m0ph0bia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
You had me at the correct use of 'their'.
I hope I never see the day Bieber meets his demise. Facebook would be very dramatic indeed
Give me a chance girl and I'll grow on you like the unexpected rap verse in an otherwise catchy pop song
Women like to preach about women empowerment and equality until its time for them to pull out their own chair, then it's "manners".
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
There are two things that prove the American school system has failed: 1) A need for SpellCheck/AutoCorrect. 2) Cash registers that tell the user how much change to make out of a dollar.
The world revolves around money, blow jobs, alcohol and pizza.
New Year's Eve is my favorite alcoholiday
The thermometer on my cars says, "FU_____CK YOU!"
...it's so cold out, I just Googled, "how to induce menopause"...
Seattle vs Denver..Washington St vs Colorado...marijuana SuperBOWL..
This Valentine's Day, make sure to give her something you both can use and WANT... A divorce
I save money on toilet paper by keeping the 12-foot long receipts I get after every purchase at CVS.
Can people actually be allergic to sex or is my wife just pretending to be?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint 