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*Does impersonation of the Swedish Chef for no reason 5 minutes into first date* 
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. But keep your bacon far away from me or I will eat it. This is your last warning.
I don't like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don't need that kind of pressure.
20 selfies of your meltdown or it didn't happen.
I don't mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day cleanse in 3 hours and 15 minutes.
Me: So, what do you do for a living? Her: I flip houses. Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
If you think that age is just a number, then prison is just a house .
Crap, my Giga Pet just died.
Facebook allows me to reconnect with my old musician friends. I'm surprised at how many of them wound up living the American dream. They married women with steady incomes.
My shower breakdown: 60% getting the water temp right,, 39% coming up with awesome responses to fights with my wife,,, 1% showering
NYC Detective: One of you is an octopus,,,, who is it?... *Everyone points at me.... Including Susan, with all eight of her arms*
Relationship status: I don't need love. I need money right now.
Your mum is gonna do that thing your daddy likes tonight because it's a holiday. Food for thought.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Keep your friends close, and a bottle of vodka closer!
Lawyers do this cute little thing where they say "retainer fee" but they really mean "BJ".
You can never rule out the possibility that someone in your life is dead and you've been getting Weekend-at-Bernie'ed.
Never get your panties in a bunch... The good quality ones are sold individually.
I'm just looking for a nice girl who can peel a banana without using her hands or teeth.
The hardest part about going to Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that you don't have a problem. 