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It's really sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels. 
My Cousin in Jail just asked me to update his Facebook Relationship Status to "Its Complicated!" ...Man just say you Gay!
A Priest a Rabbi and a Penn State Football Coach walk into a bar....
Hand over the calculator, friends don't let friends derive drunk.
It's "NEIGHBOR'S BEST FRIEND'S SISTER-IN-LAW'S COUSIN'S STEP BROTHER WEEK" if you have a neighbor whose best friend's sister-in-law has a cousin with a step-brother who is the bomb, copy & paste this as your status or don't.
going to heckle Tiger Woods at The Masters by throwing a box of condoms at him
I am now an official card carrying member P.E.T.A. - People Eating Tastey Animals.
There is nothing worse than the feeling of a cushioned toilet seat!
There's a guy sitting next to me on the plane that looks like Jesus Christ. Just handed him a bottle of water and said, "Merlot, please."
Song # 1 in Lebron's Ipod is.....I'm In MIAMI B**CH!
"You should just smile & blow me cause I deserve it!" - Mel Gibson
This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!
- I've just written a song about a Tortilla......Well I guess it's more of a Wrap....
Finally clocking out! I'm off like a prom dress!
Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school — you'll be working for them in the future.
All the M&M's in this bag are dead...
Now I lay me down to sleep with an empty bottle of vodka at my feet if I die before I wake tell my girls I drank it straght.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
...Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
just p*ssed so hard a little bit of laugh came out. 