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I make good girls go back to the ex they still have feelings for. 
All the angels in heaven are now playing Smart Harps.
when captain morgan files his taxes for this year .... he's gonna claim me as a dependent
It sucks whenever you hear a song you really like in public but you don't know the name of it.
I just went in the bath room, turned the light off and said Bloodymary three times....nothing....ok I'm going back in, this time I'm saying Coors-light 3 times.
I swear my ex girlfriend has weekly workshops with the devil. I just don't know how much he pays her.
If you are asking me for directions in Spanish, you are likely to get lost in translation.
I saw your new boyfriend. So what happened to your standards?
a facebookworm
"Leave It To Beaver" is what I am calling it...it's a club for distraught men that have a hard time dealing with women!!
You like to sleep? Me too, lets do it together sometime.
You can catch more flies with honey. Or you can eat that honey and not have to deal with expensive fly upkeep.
She got a body like baywatch but a face like crime watch.
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did
Sorry I wasn't paying attention, I was thinking about having sex with you.
a train station is where trains stop. A bus stations is where buses stop. Yes you could call this my workstation...
When I'm walking in the dark I widen my eyes as if making them bigger will make me see better.
Don't confuse fame with success. Kim Kardashian is one; Mother Teresa is the other.
My wife asked me to prepare our son for his first day of school. Hes a ginger so I punched him in the face and stole his lunch money
Never let on to your kids that the shower dramatically changes temperature when the toilet is flushes. Otherwise, you've just given them a new favorite pastime. 