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I thought gang bangs were a group of people with the same haircut. 
Some of you people could use water mixed with a little whiskey.. Just sayin
My wife says she is going to leave me if I don't stop drinking so much. See? There are benefits to being an alcoholic.
You think this day and age it would be polite to just walk up and ask a woman, excuse me want to share a condom. . .
my dinner taste like lazyness and the day before payday!
I thought fifty shades of grey was a book about the color on us old people hair
my superpower is getting tired after doing nothing
If it weren't for double-standards politicians would have no standards at all.
Most my coworkers just don't know how stupid they are.... so I let them know
The best time and place to hide a body is in your front yard during Halloween. That way, people will think it's just a decoration.
if I was a bears fan tonight is as good as any to quit that bad habit.
Charles Manson is getting married to a 26-year-old and I’m still single. I’ll never hear the end of it from my mother at thanks giving.
Olympics to Allow Pre-Op M-to-F Transsexuals to Compete..... So there will now be drag races in the Olympics?
I'll stop wearing black when they invent a darker color.
DETECTIVE: I've called you here because I suspect one of you... IS AN OWL !!! ME: Who?? *everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head just turned 270°
... Finally made it to that great part of the relationship where I can now fart and drink beer on the couch and she only gives me a dirty look ..... instead of running out of the room screeming! Life is good :-)
My ex girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter....
Felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket. Looked over and saw my phone on the table. Afraid to check my back pocket.
I ain't saying she's a gold digger but she has emphysema and is missing four fingers. Maybe she's a coal miner.
Can you believe that my neighbor knocked at my door at 2AM?!?! Luckily, I was up playing my drums. 