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I kept dreaming about mufflers all night long mufflers, mufflers, and more mufflers. I woke up exhausted. 
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
My middle school teacher who yelled that “Wikipedia wasn’t a reliable source” every day is sharing vaccine conspiracy theories on Facebook.
A couple of million dollar ideas: 1) Boxers with pockets 2) A service that lets you throw a live shark from a speeding van
I'm at that age where if I hear a strange noise downstairs I'm too lazy to go investigate it and just think "Well I had a good run".
Just got a call from some Woman in Idaho. She wanted to know if I wanted to take a chance on an Indian Blanket? What does that mean?? I hung up. Last time I took a chance on any kind of blanket, I ended up with three kids and a mortgage.
Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
If you add coconut oil to sauté'd kale it will make it easier to scrape it into the trash so you can fry bacon.
No one hits me with an egg and gets away with it!
I need a meeting with Zuckerberg cause I don't get enough "likes"
New strategy for college students: Incur as much debt as you can and hope some billionaire pays it off.
US Open Woman's Tennis trophy. Made in the USA, now Canadian owned!
Science....because the answer never turned out to be magic. Ever.
Bernie Sanders just used your $27 donations to buy himself a new summer home
Forgive me for saying this but if you like the Rolling Stones more than the Beatles we can't be friends.
Jesus is going to be much harder to find with all these hipsters running around.
Maybe the pipelines are not the most perfect way to turn our country green, but I'm certainly not going to be able to afford those solar panels if I'm paying $4.95 a gallon.
Pot Roast. Two of my favorite things.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman today. I’m never driving my wife to work again. 