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Meaningless statistics are up 17% today 
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
Bravo to the Capitol police. Atleast someone in Washington is doing their job!!
We'll look back someday and realize the rise of the machines began with automatic toilets flushing before we're done.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes
Dear guys named Jeff spelled like Geoff, what do you want from us?
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer but you can't take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
The only astronaut I can remember from the last 20 years was the one who drove cross country in a diaper because she was mad
50 Shades Of Grey Has This Awesome Fantasy About Some Girl Who Gets A Job Right Out Of College.
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
"Is that your dog?" "No, actually she's adopted... we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
Spoiler alert: Your '97 Nissan Sentra doesn't need one.
Sorry I invited the firefighters to your wedding, but I know a disaster when I see one.
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
A new study reveals that parents who spend more time on their smartphones have more negative interactions with their children. While parents who spend less time on their smartphones are really mad that they forgot their charger. 