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When it comes to practicing the theory of "There are plenty fish in the sea", I tend to practice catch and release. 
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
I just looked down at my shoes and one of them is not right.
On my 8th slice of pizza watching the bigget loser!! Time to make a change!! Where's the remote??
The difference between a grizzly and a brown bear? Climb a tree. If the bear climbs after you, its a brown bear. If it knocks the tree down, its a grizzly.
Google Earth: Helping stalkers since 2004.
˜Sort of" shouldn't be used in certain phrases. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "It's a boy."
says having kids means having pictures in my wallet where I used to have money!!
The best part of being me is that I'm not you...
used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I probably should have chosen my words better
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
when I die, bury me with all my debts and a cell phone so I can haunt them for a change.
I never make the same mistake twice... I like to fill my day with a wide variety of mistakes from a large number of sources.
Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday.
If a large box of cereal is considered "Family Size", would a large box of condoms be considered "Prevent a Family" size?
Promises are like babies: easy to make but hard to deliver.
thinks you should NEVER look down on someone...unless you have a clear view of cleavage.
You'd think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
This lady behind me at the store just "beep-beep'd" for me to move out of her way, and this is how murderers are born.
I tried holding the door open for a woman at the coffee shop this morning but she just kept yelling "close the door, I'm trying to pee in here!!". Some people are so ungrateful 