Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my facebook account in three days... But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave

   Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying "sorry breaking up with you" or that a minute later she text me back "sorry wrong number."

   My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a constipated muppet trying to list off active ingredients in Children’s Tylenol.

   Everybody knows that door handles spread disease but when I started a business to clean them and called it Knob Jobs all I got were creepy phone calls

   I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.

   Think about how stupid the average person is,and then realize that half of them are stupider than that!!!

   Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end!!!

   Women say magazines portray an unrealistic image of beauty therefore making them feel inadequate. Then they buy 12 inch dild0s.

   Kanye West is said to be recovering well in hospital after an 8 hour operation to remove his head from his ass.

   With so many things coming back in style, I can't wait till loyalty and morals become the new trend again.

   Sometimes you wish you could just fast forward time just to see if in the end it's all worth it,..

   The week seems to go by at the speed of a snail. Unless it's the weekend. Then the snail is driving a Ferrari.

   When Bill Gates feels like a million bucks, he's having a crappy day.

   My brain is about as organized as the WalMart $5 DVD bin.

   when I have a headache , I take 2 asprins and keep away from children . jus like it says on the bottle.

   Thanks, autocorrect. I'm sure she's dying to know about my huge peninsula.

   Just think,,, 20 years ago my television set weighed 350lbs.. And my wife weighed 105lbs ...

   "Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I've ever been asked.

   I don't know exactly who's health I'm drinking to, but they're going to be immortal at this rate

   Hey, if you stay really quiet and listen very, very closely, You can hear the beautiful sound of you shutting the f$ck up.