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So it's said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I say, "What doesn't kill me better run like hell!" 
If you get a tattoo on your face you can pretty much guarantee you are no longer anyone's emergency contact.
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
All our problems in the Middle East started when Indiana Jones shot that guy waving the sword around.
Some people just need a hug... around their neck... with a rope.
All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number.
69 will never be a normal number.
I'm doing my bit to help kick-start the economy... I've started printing money too.
I have life moments when all I can do is stop and say "Seriously?"
I wish getting old meant growing a majestic pair of antlers.
I am not grumpy. I'm just not a fan of other people today.
If Eve cursed the entire human race just for an apple, I can only imagine what she would do for a Klondike bar.
I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure. - Mark Twain
They should make a Rosetta Stone that helps men understand what the f*ck women are actually trying to say.
I never know when it will strike... but there comes a moment at work when I've made up my mind that I'm not doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
I'll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
If I've learned one thing from Facebook... it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day Facebooking.
I live every day like it's my first. There's a lot of crying and sleeping involved.
The coolest part about wallet chains is that they let potential thieves know your wallet isn't worth stealing.
My wife asked me if I wanted to go on a date for Valentine's, so I asked her with who and do I know her...................then the trouble started. 